Our Pediatrician Appointment

She's over 10 lbs! I'm so happy, our care and feeding method is working!
We went for our 2 month checkup today, and Nick took the day off for it. It was a beautiful day, perfect weather, so after the visit we walked through Northport and went to the park.
The worst part of the day was that she had to get two shots - it was AWFUL! But, she got over it.
Now it's 2am and she's swinging away, in her favorite place. We tried to put her down before but she was rockin and rollin the bassinet with her fussing, kicking and cooing - finally had to take her out of there. Now she's sleeping, I think. I'll go try the bassinet thing again. Keep fingers crossed, I want some sleep!!

Skylar is two months old!

We Made It

Sky has alot less colic, I've been getting sleep even 3 hours at a time, yesterday I slept 5 in a row. I feel much better and so does she, the pain she had before digesting food is so much less and she seems to feel good most of the time.

She's noticing things, especially the mirror. It's her favorite! She loves a crowd, we were over Grandma's in the Bronx this Saturday and Aunt Maureen, Aunt Pat and cousin Marissa were there. Sky loved being passed around and loved being the center of attention.

She is growing so fast! She's so beautiful and we're really getting to know her personality. Spitfire does sum it up. She's feisty! She really doesn't cry unless she means it. But when she means it, watch out! It's LOUD.

On Thursday I really hit "rock bottom" with the new Mommy thing. I started to have so much doubt about what people said that I would be a great Mom and that it would come naturally. I doubted myself as a person, this is what I wanted to do most in the world and I was failing, I really felt what it was like to be totally depressed and frustrated and cried my eyes out. I was so scared it might be post-partum depression I thought about telling someone. But if I did that would just confirm my belief I was failing, it was the most AWFUL feeling in the world. This day Skylar was crying for HOURS and nothing helped. I was alone without my Mom or Nick and had to call Mom - making me feel even more like I couldn't do it, what was wrong with me that I had to call for help, I couldn't cut it...

I think the problem causing the crying was a recurrence of Thrush, which I also had and made me feel tired, sore and miserable. It caused so much pain to breastfeed on my left side I was pumping, and I worried I couldn't nurse Skylar and felt more inadequate, even guilty.

I am over this now, I know now it was due to hormones, stress and learning so much at one time. But we got through it, I know I'm a great Mom since I'm doing my best, and that everything is going to be fine. I hope that other Moms who find themselve in that situation will know this too. The crying will eventually die down, sleep will eventually come, it will all get better. And now what I remember are only the good things and I already miss the little tiny baby Skylar was a few pounds ago...it does go so fast!

Vampires!

Gotta be Better in September

The last day of August definitely went out with a bang, in fact it may have been one of the worst days I can remember. Skylar was especially fussy, after not sleeping all night I thought she'd probably get tired by morning or at least afternoon and I would nap. She kept having these awful fitful episodes and would cry and scream. I fed her so often because she kept "rooting" about every hour and a half and nothing would settle her down except the breast or bottle...while she was eating and shortly after she was fine, nice and quiet. She wouldn't take the pacifier and nothing else would calm her either. About 15-20 minutes after each feeding she would go crazy, and turn bright red with frustration. She had gas coming out both ends and alot of dirty diapers, so the gas might have been the source of the upset but I couldn't seem to find anything to deal with it. Either breast milk or formula produced the same bad results. I tried Mylicon, Mylanta and even Gripe Water (one at a time)...all of these may have helped a little but how can I be sure? After about 30 minutes or so of each fit, Skylar would calm down and be wide awake but not want to sleep. Mom and I would have to either carry her around or put her down in the bouncer or carriage. None of this lasted however because she'd start up again soon.

Each time she settled to sleep I thought it might finally be "over" and try to take a nap myself. But I had no l luck since she'd cry and scream. Mom and I started to worry she had something really wrong or was sick. How could we know? Her temp was normal which I know would not get me far with a call to the Ped., just an appointment at which she'd probably be fine. However last night at midnight as I was holding her and she was screaming, I was about to call their emergency number.

She must have sensed it or something because that's when she finally settled. I got two and a half hours sleep last night which is enough to make me feel somewhat sane today (but definitely not enough). During one of her fits last night which Nick somehow slept through, I cried hysterically myself. I wondered if I was just broken down by frustration, lack of sleep or God forbid Post Partem depression. I started worrying what I would do if I had that, how upset I would be at myself for having it and embarrassed to admit it. I don't really think I'm depressed, just having alot of issues. I am sorry that our first month which should have been such a beautiful, special time was so full of problems and my excitement over being a Mommy was turning to doubt combined with jealousy over other Moms who don't seem to have this trouble even with more than one kid and upset with myself that I'm having so much trouble handling it. Who'd understand? I'm home, have help from my Mom, and read everything about baby care that I can find. Nick is supportive and helps, but I have now learned the reality of the fact that Mothers do most of the work, it's just that way. Nick is working, which is doing his part. But when I look back, working was SO much easier even on a bad day. You can't compare though - even on the "worst" day like yesterday when I look at my beautiful little daughter I love her more than anything n the world. The reason I hurt is that she hurts and I can't "fix" it. I want more than anything to be able to sooth her, make her happy, and give her everything always. Over and over I whisper to her that I will always be there for her, I'll do anything I can to get her through this and through anything.

Today is going to be better. It's the start of something new, I know. September 1st - what a nice month! Skylar has been better already today, she may be "over" whatever awful thing was irking her. The poor girl does not cry for no reason, I know that she is in pain. I also know that my little baby makes it worse on herself by freaking out about it - kicking, flailing, grabbing her hair and pulling it out of her head with her little fists so hard she hurts herself. This must be her personality, intense, and I can only try to calm her and tell her it's going to be alright...it will get better and I'll be there for her always.